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06 April 2011 @ 06:11 pm
i can't even watch youtube anymore. it's so obvious that the people i started watching YT for now only do it for ad money, and it makes me want to throw up. it's just so obnoxious in some way? i don't know. videos feel so unlike what they used to. i'm tired of all the games and gimmicks to get you to "click here" and "vote here" and all that shit.

granted, i might do the same thing if i had the ability to actually make cash.

it just seems so self absorbed and unoriginal.

rosianna, bre, and jessica obviously not included in this.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
22 October 2010 @ 09:47 am
my life has become so cryptic and messed up and private that i haven't written a public, or even a friends only entry, since June.

I have been writing. You probably just can't see ;]

For those who are nosy about my life i will just give you the past months' journal entry titles.

an exercise in futility
can you please gtfo of my life
air force beer pong!
drunk and disorderly. i wish.
this is a song about the way you make me shake
welcome to your new saturday nights
you say we're too young but maybe you're too old to remember
bronx pub crawls
wow this is long
going insane
she's never gunna love you like i want to
tmi tmi tmi
stand there and watch me burn... some more
the end of my social life and sanity as i know it
girls are sexy
is resentment a good motivator?
getting out of hand, a mess to be made

it's like some awful erratic poem. so there. now you know SO MUCH about me. there isn't anything i want anyone to know about me anymore.
Current Mood: mischievousmischievous
06 July 2010 @ 11:38 am
It's odd, this reckless happiness I am swimming in this summer.

I'm not working too much, I'm sleeping late, my boyfriend is perfect... my friends are perfect... there have been and will be so many weekend plans and parties and trips packed into these four little months.

I guess it is like the last spoonful of ice cream on the bottom of the cup, the one you spoon into your mouth and savor as it melts.

Because basically, my adolescence is melting away. I've said this about different milestones before, but REALLY this is my last summer that will be like this. My last summer with Tony on Long Island, my last summer with a lot of his friends, my last summer where I'll be "going back to school" in september-- even if grad school isn't the same anyway.

I don't want to say no to anything. I want to spend all my money and I want to get drunk every night and I want to go everywhere and do everything. Already there was Las Vegas and then in a few weeks there'll be the Harry Potter park and then maybe Dorney Park with Tony, and then two of his friends are going to London and Dublin the first couple weeks in August... if there were any way I could swing that I would, but I still have to have some money so we can go to jamaica/mexico the first week in september, and there's Veronica's wedding weekend in mid-august too... and just the graduation parties and birthday parties and fourth of july parties and warped tour and... can't real life just be like this?

I'm not looking forward to my emoself returning when he leaves at the end of september.
06 June 2010 @ 01:17 pm
emotional roller coaster.
emotional roller coaster.
oh, summer.
oh, life.
oh life life life life.

I am sparks and heartbeats and stomach lurches and guilt and pain and nothing more.
Today and always I am anticipation.
04 April 2010 @ 12:44 am
so i just finished reading Perfect Fifths. like, literally, thirty seconds ago.
holy fucking shit.
ok, admittedly the third and fourth installments of the series weren't that amazing. but holy fucking shit. why did i wait this long to start- and then finish- this book? it laid on my bedroom floor for six months before i even picked it up and then laid around for another 3 months before i finished it.
and i cried from page 245 to the end.

i think i delayed reading this book because it has too many parallels to my life right now. i knew it would, and i knew it would make me emotional, so i distanced myself from the stupid BOOK and tried not to get too into it.

i was about halfway through it on my flight home from Chicago last night. Chicago was surreal enough, emotional enough- after all, it isn't everyone and every day that you get to see your little sister in a broadway musical. so i guess i decided to top it off by finally reading this book. i read it in millennium park by Emily's apartment and then i read it again on the plane. so yes, halfway through, i stopped.

i had to talk to someone about it.

this is how i know a book is really, really, good.

so i got out a pen and defaced one of the spare blank pages at the back of the book to write tony a letter.

about the book. about us.

i was in Chicago, he is in Seattle, i was on a plane with no electronic communication available. so i reverted back to my "tony is in field training" method and wrote him a letter. and it felt good. everything about this book felt good. and heartbreaking. and perfect. and imperfect. and full circle.

and i just wanted to tell you, livejournal, about that.

in my first public entry in many months.

i wish i wish i wish
i wish our love was right now and
(you yes you)
Current Mood: lovedcathartic
02 October 2009 @ 11:34 am
Ok, so I was iffy the first time I ate it, but I have decided that Total Blueberry Pomegranate cereal is effing DELICIOUS.

Ok, anyway.

I'm sitting in my room at my computer eating my breakfast because today is friday and that means its cleaning lady day and I always feel really awkward just hanging around in my PJs when she's here. I feel like she thinks I sit around and do this all the time and am a lazy ass, rather than the truth which is that Friday mornings are one of the only times i am in my house EVER. I really do not spend that much time here.

I told my manager i wanted to work a few less hours a week because I am literally swamped. I have no time to get schoolwork done. She said they hired someone new, (yay! we now have like 13 employees for the whole store!) and that my hours would decrease. They did- I'm only working like 22 or 23 hours next week, but of COURSE most of them are thursday/friday/saturday. love working all weekend.

especially when last night I was scheduled til 8 and DID NOT GET OUT UNTIL 10:40. So I worked 6 hours and 40 minutes without even a 15 minute break. There was a time when Gap was afraid to put employees in break violation, because, you know, it's ILLEGAL. Apparently not anymore. I hope those fuckers get audited.

i want to go on vacation. i want to go on a cruise to mexico. IDC if no one else can go over winter break, i'm going.
or I can just go live in the HP theme park.
Current Mood: moodymoody
people tell me i should update this more. which, you know, i should.

but i have an urge to start new, start a blog somewhere where no one I know IRL can read it. that's what keeps me from updating most of the time- censuring what i'm going to write because i know so and so or so and so can read it and maybe talk to so and so about it is exhausting.

plus i feel like i'm living a new life now. moving back home, starting a new school, working almost full time. it's all very different from the routine of the last four years. or the four years before that. which is how long i've had this livejournal.

i'm not as depressed as i thought i would be about living this new anticlimactic life (so far), but i think it's just because i'm busy.

it was a good summer, save for the health issues. the last of a string of five summers Tony and i basically spent mostly together. the fact that we will never have another summer like the five past is surreal. granted, they were all different, and last year we were separated for most of the summer, but i've been spending summers with him since i was 18. i don't know anything else...

i feel like such a long island girl lately, and i don't really like it. driving around my new car to commute to CW Post, working retail... life is just flat here. i mean i love long island, but i miss my city. its the only place i feel like i can really BREATHE. i get out of the subway and i always just feel relieved. like, yes, this is where i'm supposed to be. i don't know how to describe it.

weekend before last was anne's 21st birthday, and that was the last time i saw NYC. it was fun, a good crowd of people. we went to some downtown bars. it was odd being at Wagner and being homeless. Like... i don't live here anymore.

last sunday i had a party at my house for labor day weekend festivities. it was last minute, so i was worried, but a good 11 or so people showed up, including 3 from work, so that was good. my new love is michelob lime. i also have another new love, but because this is LIVEJOURNAL i can't talk about that here.

so far work hasn't been scheduling me sat/sun, which is convenient, but it's still a REALLY long week. i basically work 9-4 mon to wed, and have classes at 5 on all those days. then i close 4-8 on thursdays and work an 8-hour all day shift fridays. so 30+ hours a week plus full time school.

it's a good thing school looks like it will be a cakewalk, i've had two classes so far and i've learned everything in them during undergrad already. it's just REALLY annoying that i have to pay to take classes that i've already taken. Post annoys the fuck out of me, especially since i'm paying DOUBLE what they told me it would cost to go there. i could be going to Wagner and living in an apartment for the same price. but then i'd have to do student teaching in a NYC school.

the joy of student loans.
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
19 May 2009 @ 01:49 pm
ok so in less than 24 hours i went from being so happy about the car and the cruise and everything to so stressed out.

i checked geeksquad.com yesterday during the day to find out the status of my camera which is being fixed for the third time. maybe fourth, i'm losing track. it hasn't worked correctly since i dropped it in trafalgar square in london last summer. it still worked MOSTLY for a while but for the past few months it's been totally broken. so i check the status and it says they are awaiting my approval on additional repair charges, even though i have a four year warranty. ughh ughh ughh but they didn't call me or my house to say what the additional repair charges are and i don't know where to call to find out and this means i am probably not going to have my camera for the cruise. ugh ugh ugh. this camera is only a year and a half old.

then last night we crashed the senior bar crawl event that i didn't pay for, which was at down the hatch/off the wagon. while at down the hatch, i'm texting tony on my phone a little. then i go to pee and as i pull my jeans down i hear a plop. MY PHONE WAS IN MY BACK POCKET AND FELL INTO THE TOILET. i am so stupid. i forgot it was there. so now my beautiful white palm centro is broken, there's water in the screen so i haven't tried to turn it back on since last night but i'm pretty sure i fried it. the phone is less than a year old.

i cannot, and i mean cannot, afford a new camera or a new phone. I HATE ELECTRONICS.

i also have no one's numbers written down and i sure as hell don't know them by heart. i didn't even know tony's to use someone else's phone last night to let him know not to worry that i was unreachable... blahhhhh. i just hope my SIM card is salvagable and that i can put it back in my old phone...
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
18 May 2009 @ 02:41 am
today was a wonderful day.

my parents totally surprising me saying they are going to lease me a car for my graduation present (any car i want under $17,000, any suggestions other than Mazda3, Hyundai Elantra or Honda Civic?)

and then that thing i've been waiting for for 3 years 11 months and 18 days finally happens... and it was so indescribably touching. uhh... rediculous.

which means this day must be documented at 2am.
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: weiner dog, weiner dog, how did you get so long?
17 May 2009 @ 12:10 am
This is going to be word vom.

When I want to write I find myself writing of the past-- the summers summers summers sequentially until they all started to blend and dull. My experiences have blurred along with my vision, the edges not as crisply etched into my long term memory along with the smells and sounds of the moment. Soon the crickets will start chirping full force again, and the nights will be days of their own as the sun divides itself into millions of streetlamps that line the roadways of June, July, August. Does the tipping timelessness of summer exist everywhere, or is it only found in places where the air is heavy with seawater, soundwater, well past midnight? Places my tires have worn thin with routes they take over and over and over.

Roll down the windows and breathe it in, your summers, your youth, still hanging in the heavy midnight air. This place remembers. It fills your heart to bursting with everything that once was and everything to soon be. Every breath. Every breath. This place. This place. This life. This life.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic